I don’t know why, but I have been paying closer attention to rear ends lately. Car rear ends, that is. What a person has put on the back-end of their car usually says a lot, I think, about who they are and what their passions and hobbies are. There are common magnets like yellow ribbons revealing that the owner of the vehicle is honoring a fallen soldier. A pink, when someone has been touched by breast cancer somehow.
I sometimes drive for at least 3 hours at a time, and guessing what the person is like judging from their bumper stickers has become a pastime for me, keeping me entertained for that long drive-time.
I remember when I was a kid, our family car had several stickers on our bumper. A New Zealand flag sticker on one end, since we lived in that country for a while, and on the other end, an American flag sticker, since that is where we were originally from. In the middle was probably a sticker advertising a radio station.
Bumpers can reveal what political party you belong to, well at least my parent’s vehicle does. The radio station sticker that’s on their car is one that is heavily political and plays many talk shows with democrats spouting off what they believe is right. Occasionally, I see old election stickers like vote for Gore stickers. Now, that just plain ages a driver.
You can tell what kind of music people listen to… I just saw one for a country music station. You can tell if a driver is serious about causes, has a cleaver or even sick sense of humor, a white or blue-collar type of person, or just a plain red-neck.
Speaking of a sense of humor (and red necks), I have even seen the tow hitch decorated from time to time. One, for example, is a large scrotum with two very heavy-looking testicles dangling from the hitch ball. I don’t even want to think about how that describes a driver.
My favorites are the ones that throw a curve ball and you just know the driver doesn’t match the sticker. One that made me laugh so hard that I cried was one that claimed that the driver was under the influence of menstrual hormones, so be warned and stay clear!… and the driver was quite obviously a MAN! Poor guy must have had to drive his wife’s car. The other one that made me laugh was similar… something to the effect that the driver was a kick-a$$ soccer mom… and again, the driver was very clearly a MAN. One good thing about those stickers… it might be hard to have a vehicle stolen with them on, well unless the criminal is a hormonal soccer mom I guess.
Then there is the stuff written in the dirt that has collected on the back. Usually it says, “Wash me”. Now that makes me wonder… does the driver need a bath? Or there are ones that say “Just married” but has only one person driving and nobody else in the car. What’s up with that? Did the driver marry himself?
There are others that play on the now annoying, “my kid is on the honor roll”, by saying “my kid is in solitary detention” or something to that effect. Remember the “Baby on Board” signs? That was a good one until EVERYONE did it, even if there wasn’t a baby on board. I don’t even think the hazardous drivers, whom the sign was intended for, really cared, or even read it since they were too busy weaving in and out of micro spaces between each vehicle on the interstate. I like the, “I make abrupt stops”, or “breaks for …”. I need one that says, “breaks abruptly for garage sales”.
So, I got to thinking about what was on my rear end. What does it say about me? There’s nothing there. I suppose that could mean something. Maybe it means that I am a minimalist, or a clean freak (naaaa, those could not get any further from the truth). Maybe I am boring or perhaps mysterious. Maybe I need to go out there and scribble on my bumper, “reads too many bumpers” or, “Warning: I judge people by their rear ends” or maybe “Warning: very bored person behind the wheel”.